The Quixotic Pastor

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

It's 4 am --Why Am I Not Asleep, Dammit

I don't think I have been able to sleep a night through without benefit of a sleep-aid of some kind in about 6 months.

I usually have to get up at least once in the night to pee, and when I do, once I am awake ... I can't stop the thoughts, the anxious round of "What can I do about this ... and this? Oh damn, I hadn't even thought of that" and so forth. So often, I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't ... just plain damned, caught between a rock and a hard place.

Lately, I feel like everytime I open my mouth, I am alienating somebody --including some of the people that are supposed to be helping me out. Unfortunately, I do not have the luxury of keeping my mouth closed.

The tears are right there on the surface --but they absolutely do not quite come. The earliest Christians used to pray for the grace, the gift of tears; the Apostle Paul talks about praying in sighs and groans too deep for words and it would relieve the heaviness of my stress to cry it out. But I just ... can't quite do that yet.

Some of the lay people at my church would be appalled that I don't pray my way through my insomnia. They don't understand that there is a curious thing that happens when I try to pray for my own needs in the middle of the night --maybe it happens with some of the rest of my clergy sibs as well. I start praying in "Jesus' name" --and, unbidden, thoughts of my congregants intrude and before I realize it, I am back on the anxiety merry-go-round [now that's an oxymoron for you] riding the horsies ... and trying to figure out how I got there.

The other night, I meditated upon the serenity prayer, and repeated it mentally [because I don't want to disturb DH, who also is often sleep challenged because of her headaches] ... and thought of two of my congregants who are very active in AA, which in turn started me down another pig path, another rabbit trail ... which would be fine, except I need to be sleeping!

There's an exercise I like to do that used to work to relax me and induce a light trance ... Utilizing a name of God that is two syllables, one breathes in slowly on the first syllable ["yaaaaahhhhhh-"] and breathes out slowly on the second ["weeeehhhhh"]. Simple exercise ... but even that isn't working for me right now.

So I am considering the "Better Living Through Nifty Chemicals" option ... think I'll go take a benedryl.


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home